jamaica III

sun 8am - yesterday was one of the most fun days i've had in a long time!! seriously, so much fun! but i'm paying for it.

so sunday i woke up not feeling that great, but it rained all day long - like really rained so it kinda worked to my advantage. ;)

sun 9:45am - talked to lanie jae. first words out of her mouth were, "mommy i want you to come home from vacation." but then she went off about how much fun she's having. great to hear her voice, but she sounds different to me.

sun 3pm - 3 bbc's, 1 big shot and a nap later....rum and i are pals again.


we were off to dinner at one of the fancier places and seriously had the kindest gentleman wait on us that i've ever met.
sun 10pm - i have the most amazing husband. he knows me so well. i guess 16 years together will do that.
monday morning j and i got a couples' massage. it was so nice and relaxing and should be a regular thing. after that - the bar....where i was told it was too early to get a drink....say whaaaa?!
i only had to wait 5 mins, so that was acceptable...
we continued on to have another ridiculously fun day...


but saw more rain....
monday night we drank from coconuts - they actually weren't that good....and super heavy!
mon 6pm - talked to the girls again. i just want to hold them. i can't believe how fast our vacation is going, yet i feel being home is so far away still.
we had dinner by the ocean and then played some mad pong and pool....

mon 11:30pm - that's what she said.

it was so much fun and laurie and i won at pool!!!


"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in." ~Robert Orben

jamaica II

from the moment we booked our jamaica trip about a zillion different thoughts raced through my mind. i dreamt of the beach. i dreamt of cancelling. i dreamt of having nothing to do but paddle to the swim up bar. i dreamt of crying myself to sleep every night missing my babies.

i KNEW all along that i wouldn't regret going. but i had NO IDEA how much i would truly be able to relax and enjoy myself.

i kept a little journal the whole time where i would jot down my thoughts, so i'm here to share most of them along with some pics...

thurs 8pm - sick to my stomach about leaving the girls. very very sad right now.

fri 5:30am - in shock about what i'm doing right now. can't believe i'm stepping on an airplane. have an unsure feeling.
fri 1:45pm - welcome to jamaica. seriously hard to grasp that i'm in a different country than my children.
fri 7pm - i can.....ahem.....i AM doing this!

this is us in the back of our villa...
the group - j, me, laurie, tom, jason, emilie, sara and jeremy
the girls getting down...
j wants in on the action....who can blame him?!
me and j....a whole week together!
sat 7am - slept like crap. i wonder what the girls are doing. better drink.

it rained all our first night and it was calling for rain all saturday too....but that didn't stop us....
rain rain rain....
hanging in the hot tub...

which makes for a longer walk to the bar...
lots of drinks + a big slide = genius!
seriously having so much fun!!!
sat 3pm - what a fun fun day! this is how i know jamaica 'mon!


sat 10pm - getting to know our friends through jamaican eyes. what's said in jamaica, stays in jamaica.

no, i am not that short.....we met a jamaican giant. who happens to be the gorgeous super model type.

j just can't get enough of my dancing....
sun 2am - had a disagreement with rum. but no worries 'mon.....pretty sure we'll make up tomorrow. ;)

"The rainy days a man saves for usually seem to arrive during his vacation." ~Author Unknown

jamaica I

i'm still on island time over here. meaning lazy, unmotivated, want to sit on my butt time. but i want to get our trip on here...

vacation summary:
leaving sucked. sucked bad. it was just really sad. i sobbed, totally sobbed. lump in my throat the whole way to the hotel. my darling (and very smart) husband had grabbed a bottle of wine from the house and brought it to the hotel saying, he "knew i would need it." and that i did.

traveling, the actual travel time, is not my favorite thing. but we arrived in jamaica safely and... it felt weird. really really weird. our children were in a different country! and that was overwhelming. it was hard to grasp that we were so far away, no one even knew we had children, etc. it was weird.

but i had j and good friends...and i got a drink...and another and another. and i totally was able to relax. i was able to enjoy myself, my amazing husband and my great friends. and i was able to appreciate the awesome surroundings...i don't exactly get a week on an island all the time. i'm just so happy i could enjoy it!

calling home was hard. it was so nice to hear that the girls were doing fabulous and my parents were loving every moment with them, BUT i wanted to be the one playing with them, bathing them, feeding them, etc. BUT it was OK! i would hang up and see my wonderful husband and the beautiful jamaica and drinks were plentiful...and there were no worries 'mon.

we had such a great time with our friends!! and such a great time together!!! i had no idea how much j and i needed this. i thought we got plenty of down time, plenty of alone time on the couch after the girls go to sleep. tunrs out, we really do need more. jamaica was exactly what we needed!

lots of fun pics are coming...whenever i get off my butt.

"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking." ~Earl Wilson

16 months old

baby ad...you are 16 months already. i can't believe how fast the months are going by. we are just enjoying every minute with you. here's a little bit of who you are at 16 months...

- you love baths! brushing your teeth - not so much. unless you can do it yourself.
- you totally do great with others now. you no longer need just mom and dad.
- you hide things. really really well. we often find random objects stuffed away in places. you've done this for a long time and we've finally realized we just need to ask you where _____ is and you go and get it immediatly. even days later you remember. so blocks is no big deal, but this comes in real handy when you disappear with your toothbrush, shoes, sippy, etc.
- you still will just walk around and laugh. i think it's to instigate us. but you really are a very happy girl.
- you've got to be the most cuddly 16 month old there is. you LOVE hugs, kisses and just hanging on our chest. it's the best. you are just such a lover!
- you love your big sis. you imitate her a lot. you imitate us a lot too.
- you follow direction so well. you can follow up to 3 steps. you just really seem to understand a lot.
- you love to dance. you still have the foot stomp - arm swing move and we love it.
- your hair seems to be growing at a rapid pace. and you still refuse to wear clips...although you're happy to eat them any time. so your hair is hanging down across your face all the time. my little skater girl.
- you very audibly gulp your drinks.
- you still don't really care to have your picture taken, but you will sometimes give us a big 'cheeeeese.'
- you're talking more everyday, although you're still definitely the quiet one. my favorite word of yours is elena ("nena"), which you're usually yelling down the hall. i also love how you say "beep beep" when we're in your way.
- you're currently getting teeth #13 and #14. so you will soon have 6 across on bottom.
- you love going. you always want to be outside. you love going in the car. you love getting your shoes, lanie's shoes and our shoes and handing them to everyone (correctly) to give us the kick in the pants to get moving.
- you can still throw a helluva tantrum. you know what you want and usually want it now.

happy 16 months sweet ad!




mmmm...i love those cheeks!!


"A baby is a blank cheque made payable to the human race." ~Barbara Christine Seifert

mmm-hmmm (with a tilted nod)

i did it! i did it. i did it. i did it. and i did it fabulously. i'm upset with myself that i ever even had doubts.

the girls did it! they did amazing. total troopers. again, why do i ever doubt?

and most importantly...
my mom did it! she, with the help of my dad, took care of the girls all week. and did incredible. but this - i had NO doubts. thanks mom!

i'll be back to fill you in....

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." ~John Wayne

free bird

i don't spend a lot of time away from my kids. like at all. it's actually really hard for me to leave them. and when i do, it's usually when they're sleeping.i'm with them all day. every day.
it's not a bad thing. it's not a good thing. it's just the way it is. there's pros and cons, like anything. but i'm positive any child psychologist would say we spend entirely too much time together.

anyone close to me knows my issues. my struggles. how sensitive the whole topic is for me. truth of the matter, there's times where i think something is wrong with me.
so...'nuff said. whether it's control, fear, attatchment issues...all of the above. doesn't matter. i know i'm not completely alone. but i'm certainly envious of all the others that have a bit more balance in their lives.
balance is something i'm really REALLY trying to work on. really.

but clearly need help. cuz instead, i'm going to the exact extreme and leaving my girls for a week. i'm taking a week to focus on me. focus on my marriage. relax. take long showers. go to the bathroom by myself. eat warm meals. etc, etc.
i'm scared. i'm excited. i'm sad.

i know what i need to do. what i need to get out of this week. what i want my girls to get out of this week.
i WANT to WANT to get away. i want our seperations to be natural and undramatic for me.
as cheesy as it sounds, i'm doing this for all of us. i know they need a break from me. it's not good that they only see my face. i just can't believe that it will be a week until i see their faces. those beautiful blue eyes. those big round cheeks. those cute button noses. those heart melting smiles.

i can't believe i'm doing it...

[back story on the bird pictures: this is a nest on our house. we've enjoyed watching for weeks. now the babies are grown and have taken flight away from home. but one of the birds will not leave our yard. i don't know if she's hurt or just a late bloomer. but she's having a lot of trouble leaving. she tries. and tries and tries and tries. but she always makes her way back up to a ledge on our deck and sits. for hours. and hours. contemplating taking flight. building courage to take that next step. dreaming of what her life will be from her new perspective. or something like that. ha.

i just find it incredibly symbolic that this particular week we have had her company. every day her mom comes and still feeds her. and she even nestles in our planter boxes to sleep. but momma bird has been coming less and less each day. so of course... i'm feeding her. and she's marking my deck. ;) so yea - just in case you didn't think i needed therapy before about leaving, well not leaving, my kids and such - i just wanted to solidify that i do in fact. and i will bring up the bird in my first session. oh, and the bird is still here.]

so this week, while i'm spreading MY wings and facing a huge fear of mine and you're having a drink...know that you're having a drink with me. because alcohol is going to be my saving grace and i'm guaranteed to have a drink in my hand for the next 7 days straight.

cheers. and holy shit, here i go.

"But, if I stayed here with you girls
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird, you can not change
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And this bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change
Lord I can't change

Won't you fly high, free bird, yeah?"
- Lynyrd Skynyrd (Free Bird)