free bird

i don't spend a lot of time away from my kids. like at all. it's actually really hard for me to leave them. and when i do, it's usually when they're sleeping.i'm with them all day. every day.
it's not a bad thing. it's not a good thing. it's just the way it is. there's pros and cons, like anything. but i'm positive any child psychologist would say we spend entirely too much time together.

anyone close to me knows my issues. my struggles. how sensitive the whole topic is for me. truth of the matter, there's times where i think something is wrong with me.
so...'nuff said. whether it's control, fear, attatchment issues...all of the above. doesn't matter. i know i'm not completely alone. but i'm certainly envious of all the others that have a bit more balance in their lives.
balance is something i'm really REALLY trying to work on. really.

but clearly need help. cuz instead, i'm going to the exact extreme and leaving my girls for a week. i'm taking a week to focus on me. focus on my marriage. relax. take long showers. go to the bathroom by myself. eat warm meals. etc, etc.
i'm scared. i'm excited. i'm sad.

i know what i need to do. what i need to get out of this week. what i want my girls to get out of this week.
i WANT to WANT to get away. i want our seperations to be natural and undramatic for me.
as cheesy as it sounds, i'm doing this for all of us. i know they need a break from me. it's not good that they only see my face. i just can't believe that it will be a week until i see their faces. those beautiful blue eyes. those big round cheeks. those cute button noses. those heart melting smiles.

i can't believe i'm doing it...

[back story on the bird pictures: this is a nest on our house. we've enjoyed watching for weeks. now the babies are grown and have taken flight away from home. but one of the birds will not leave our yard. i don't know if she's hurt or just a late bloomer. but she's having a lot of trouble leaving. she tries. and tries and tries and tries. but she always makes her way back up to a ledge on our deck and sits. for hours. and hours. contemplating taking flight. building courage to take that next step. dreaming of what her life will be from her new perspective. or something like that. ha.

i just find it incredibly symbolic that this particular week we have had her company. every day her mom comes and still feeds her. and she even nestles in our planter boxes to sleep. but momma bird has been coming less and less each day. so of course... i'm feeding her. and she's marking my deck. ;) so yea - just in case you didn't think i needed therapy before about leaving, well not leaving, my kids and such - i just wanted to solidify that i do in fact. and i will bring up the bird in my first session. oh, and the bird is still here.]

so this week, while i'm spreading MY wings and facing a huge fear of mine and you're having a drink...know that you're having a drink with me. because alcohol is going to be my saving grace and i'm guaranteed to have a drink in my hand for the next 7 days straight.

cheers. and holy shit, here i go.

"But, if I stayed here with you girls
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird, you can not change
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And this bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change
Lord I can't change

Won't you fly high, free bird, yeah?"
- Lynyrd Skynyrd (Free Bird)