the five stages of grief: the loss of my sleep

let me preface this with - i do NOT like sleeping. i truly don't. if you know me at all, you'd know i'm a big night owl and i honestly think sleep is a waste of time. but....obviously i am an intelligible person and well aware that i NEED sleep to survive and thrive. blah, blahblahblahblah.

that said....with almost an entire month of coughing, stuffy noses and toddlers that are just so so at hacking up mucus and freeing their tiny noses of snot, i have not been sleeping that great, er, um, at all. throw in a few late nights out for the momma, racing thoughts of a horror story i heard on the news, your occasional child's nightmare, the need for a drink of water/trip to the bathroom/covers reassembled/etc, and of course the eversolovely overtired toddler...it's been a pretty sleepless few weeks....and i have been grieving the loss of my sleep.

stage 1 - denial. oh i'll just get her water and she'll go right back to sleep. she needs me real quick, i'll be back to bed in a snap. the sooner i go in and get her back to sleep, the sooner i can return to bed. i'll just rub her back before she full blown wakes up. it's so sweet how she needs me, i'm going to miss this one day when she's 16 yrs old and not even home yet. ::cue tear and speedy momtotherescue service:: get back to bed, look at the clock and calculate the hours of sleep i have left....psssh, as if i'm actually going to get them all! silly mommy.

stage 2 - anger. ok, seriously just go back to sleep. yea, i know - i've been in here 6 times. no, your covers are fine, your water is full, you just peed for the 3rd time and your sheets are not too slippery to sleep in. now lay down and close your eyes. yes, the night-light is on. shhh, do you want to wake your sissy and daddy? just go to bed. that's because you have to close your eyes and stop talking to sleep. grrrr. don't you dare get out of bed. go.to.sleep. now. justgotosleep. ::teeth grinding. fist clenching. quick prayer for patience.::

stage 3 - bargaining. yes, your friends are coming over tomorrow, but only if you get some sleep. well then i guess you can't have any ice cream tomorrow. did you want to sleep outside? cause i'm thinking of putting your bed on the deck. how does that sound? if you girls can sleep through the night for a month straight, we'll take you to disney world!! i will start going to bed at 8pm , just please please please fortheloveofgod, sleep! what do you want for breakfast? i'll make you whatever you want if you go to sleep. and you'll get stickers. and cotton candy. and a new bike. as long as you gotosleep. ::more empty threats. more trying to reason. followed by more empty threats and begging, pleading and more begging. pure desperation.::

stage 4 - depression (and guilt). whaaaaaa. starting to really feel the consequences of being awake during the wrong hours. want to cry. want to take back every thought in my head. feeling delirious. feeling physically sick from lack of sleep. feeling sad. for me. but mostly for my babies that can't sleep either. my poor babies. this sucks. how am i going to function tomorrow. will we ever get a full night sleep again?

stage 5 - acceptance. cuddle up and snuggle my baby so that we're all squichy and cozy until their breathing slows and becomes heavy. watch them look so peaceful. oh how i love watching sleeping babies. sneak, creep and tiptoe back to my bed. look at the clock and realize i've been defeated, but hope i can actually sleep for the hour i have left. come to the conclusion that this is probably why some species EAT their young. thankfully for them, we are not those species. ;) tomorrow's a new night.

unfortunately, it's not going to get better for a few days (whether the girls sleep or not) and that's ok. i still have yet to appreciate sleep, and realize this may just be a part of my journey to actually value sleep. but i am confident my time is coming. :)

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. " ~Leo J. Burke