vbac

i've been reminiscing a lot with ad's first birthday rapidly approaching. we have been so very blessed...for as long as i can remember. but this past year, as a family of four, has just been incredible. it's hard to even think about life before her. but my pregnancy with her, with miss adelyn - it was very memorable.
about 4 months into my pregnancy i was asked what i'm sure is a routine question by my doctor's nurse..."so molly, you just going to have another c-section?" without even blinking, without even really thinking about it, i said, "yep." she wrote in my chart and my stomach started turning. i felt sick the second i got in the car. "did that just happen?!" i asked jason.
i went home that night and started reseraching VBAC's (vaginal birth after cesarean). i truly had no idea if that was even an option for me. OR if i'd want it to be an option for me. but i did know i HAD to at least educate myself SO THAT I COULD make the decision for myself.
and that i did! over the next four weeks i researched and researched and researched! i obtained my medical records from elena's birth (my cesarean section) and had memorized a TON of statistics regarding vbac vs. repeat cesarean.
four weeks later i went to my next appointment and told the doctor that i wanted to attempt a VBAC. he was extremely hesitant and said he didn't recommend it. he even told me how others that had had a VBAC actually preferred a c-section! i ultimately convinced him (and my husband!) to support me.
nothing really sat well. i didn't know if i was doing the right thing medically. the only thing i KNEW was that the first time my body tried to give birth, it failed. but my heart and my head KNEW i had to try. the statistics spoke for themselves. and frankly, it's in my nature to be a tad rebellious.
i kept researching, i found my focus, i became an advocate for myself, i did everything one should do in preparation for a VBAC - both physically and mentally. i even joined an online VBAC 'support' group. of five births before mine, only one had been successful. it felt more discouraging than anything. i got a zillion questions about why i would want to try this. i even got in arguments over my decision, people questioning if what i was doing was best for me and my baby. i stayed strong, for the most part. i stayed positive, for the most part. and the more people questioned, the more it kinda motivated me.
well why not!? why can't i do this?!
march 23, 2009 - i was 2 days overdue. i had to switch doctors and had only 'known' my practice for a mere 7 weeks. 3 doctors had told me they would support my decision, but did NOT recommend a VBAC with my history. every appointment for the past month, they would ask if i wanted to schedule a c-section. "nope!" i would say and waddle my FAT ASS out the door. the midwives at my practice were even sounding doubtful. "really? elena never even entered the birth canal. and she was over 9 lbs and a week late?!" but they promised me an attempt! march 23, 2009 - i was 2 days overdue. and a woman in my VBAC support group had her uterus rupture. the scar from her cesarean opened during her attempt for a VBAC. she was lucky...her and baby were/are just fine. she felt it cuz she chose to go med-free. unfortunately she did have to have a complete hysterectomy and can no longer have children.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!!!
i near lost it. i mean, let's face it, at this point an empty cookie jar was enough to drive me right into crazy town. i was huge, overdue and hormonal as they come. but this news couldn't have come at a worse time. this poor woman. did i really want to risk it? she was considered lucky! lucky! a hysterectomy was one of the lesser disasters that could happen. i could have had my baby out WEEKS ago, literally. i could have been holding a two-week-old baby on my chest, listening to her rythmic breathing, kissing her soft cheeks...instead, i was losing my mind.
i can think of just a few days where i really cried. like cried. hard. all day. march 23, 2009 was one of them. i sobbed. and sobbed. but this day was different. i've cried before because i was sad, because i was devastated, because i was angry. march 23, 2009 i sobbed because i was questioning something...i was questioning me. i was questioning what i was doing for a person that i hadn't even met, but that i was madly in love with. i was questioning myself about a decision that only I could make. a decision that could effect the furture of my family. march 23, 2009 i couldn't even look in the mirror.
at the end of a very long day...a day that i cried and cried and cried...a day that i held and squeezed elena possibly more than ever...a day where i didn't talk to anyone...a day where i put the phones up high so that i wouldn't be tempted to call and schedule a c-section. at the end of march 23, 2009, i realized that the reason i had gotten so cocky (ok ok, i know i'm cocky already, but not in a dr's office) with all the doctors was because i wanted them to make the decision. "yea dr, but if my baby's over 9 lbs again you're still going to let me have a VBAC, right?! and i still get to do a VBAC if i'm another week late, right?!" it would have been so easy to say, "oh, you don't recommend it? ok!" at the end of march 23, 2009, i realized that the power was in my hands and that it ALWAYS had been. if a doctor would have told me no, i would've found another. did i have control? nope! no one has control over labor, over birth, over that baby and the mother's body and how it's all going to go. but i had the power. (and sure, you can call me she-ra.)
march 25, 2009, adelyn's birthday - i had my successful VBAC! FOUR DAYS LATE and NINE POUNDS EIGHT OUNCES! (the biggest VBAC baby my practice, and if i remember correctly my hospital, had seen!) it of course was one of the best days of my life and it has changed me forever! just like everyone else's BIRTHdays, regardless of how they exited! but march 23, 2009 and the months leading up to it was a pivotal time in my life. i don't think i'll ever tell of all the things i was going through that day...i don't even know if i possibly could. but it is a day i will remember forever.
a day that i learned the depths of personal responsibility and trusting myself.

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates." ~Thomas Szasz